Real Estate JOKES

(Q) Did you hear about Robin Hood's house?
(A) It has a little John.

(Q) There is a Real Estate Investor, a Realtor and a Lawyer. And you have a gun with two bullets...
Which should you shoot?
(A) You should shoot the realtor twice... Just to be sure.

Sign next to FSBO: We shoot every third agent and the 2nd one just left.

This house has every new convenience except low payments.

By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn't.

A fully modernized home is a place where a switch controls everything but the kids, and it has gadgets to do everything
 except make the payments.

My buyer told me that he lived in the same house for 10 years. When I checked, I found out he'd still be their 
today if the Governor hadn't pardoned him.

Two Realtors Talking: My buyers want a new home on the outskirts of their income, that is.

The trouble with owning a home is that no matter where you sit, you're looking at something you should be doing.

There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It's called a mortgage.

Why do you have your front door leading right into the dining room? So my relatives won't have to waste any time.

If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.

Realtor to First Time Homebuyer: First you folks tell me what you can afford, then we'll have a good laugh and go on from there.

The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today's young families is to get one.

I listed a maintenance free house. In the last 25 years there hasn't been any maintenance.

My real estate agent was always smiling. I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a barracuda.

Hey if you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass.

Houses today don't have enough closet space. But they actually do. They're just called bedrooms.

The house is only 5 minutes from great shopping . . . that is if you own an airplane.

America is really great. It's the only place where you can borrow money for a down payment, get a 1st and 2nd
mortgage and call yourself a homeowner.

A housewarming is the final call for those who haven't sent a wedding present.

Charity is a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.

In a Real Estate Agents Open House Flyer:
This house has only one problem. The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids aren't.

The FSBO:
WHEN A real-estate agency hadn't sold our house, we decided to do it ourselves. I placed ads in the local papers, spray painted a "For Sale" message on a sign board and posted it outside.

When my husband came home that evening, he told me, laughing, that my sign was the most truthful one he had ever seen. Confused, I rushed outside to take a look. In my haste I had printed - "For Sale by Ower."

Two Realtors Discussing a Sale:
A super nice couple walks into your house that you have for sale. They tell you we love this neighborhood, this is where we want to be. They can't stop gushing over the rehab you've done. We love this house they keep repeating over & over. It gets time to negotiate the price and they have no problems with what you are asking. YOU HAVE A WRAPPED UP SALE! Based on all the information given what can you tell about this couple.
THEY PROBABLY HAVE NO JOBS, NO CREDIT, NO DOWN PAYMENT, & THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE THEY HAVE A CRIMINAL BACKGROUND.


Best Deal in TOWN:
One Sunday afternoon a couple sees an ad in the paper. They can't believe their eyes. There is a house in the paper for $1000 that is in the nicest part of town. We are talking about a Highland Park mansion for $1000. They think this has to be a misprint, but decide to call anyway.
They say to lady who answers we saw your ad, and realize it is a misprint correct. She tells them no it's not & you are actually the first ones to call.
They decide to go look at the house. They race over as fast as they can. They pull up to the most beautiful house on the block. In front of the house is a fountain that cost at least $30,000. They ring the door bell & the lady answers. She starts showing them the house. They realize this house is over 5000 sq ft and it is obvious that expense was not a problem in building this house. The house had marble imported from Italy & a chandelier imported from France. The landscaping was breath taking & the house had a great pool & a nice tennis court.
The couple said to the lady this is the most beautiful house we have ever seen, what's the catch? The lady assured the couple there was no catch. The couple wanted the house for $1,000 but was leery of doing the deal. Finally the lady said you seem like a nice couple, so I'll let you know the truth.
She told them this house is completely paid for, and not a penny is owed against it. Well, last week I got a call from my Husband. He informed me he is leaving me for his secretary. He then told me I could have everything we own as long as he could have the proceeds off the sale of the house. I agreed and he asked me if I could sell the house while he & his new girlfriend hung out in the Caribbean?
HOUSE SOLD.

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Original Jokes by JACK
The sellers told me their house was near the water. It was in a pile of rubble next to the Gulf after the Katrina hurricane.

My REALTOR was dumb as a sack of hair, but she was good in bed.

A homebuyer talking to a judge: I bought a two story house. One story before I bought, and another afterwards.

The worst part of a real estate bargain are the neighbors.

My home has a ghostly body, it’s called an HOA.

A happy home has a TV set that is adjusted better than the kids.

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Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.